i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
