just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
