Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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