I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
