I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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