i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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