I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
