New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
birth control should be required to get into college
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
