i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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