Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you traded sex for a burrito?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
this boner is exhausting
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got