Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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