I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
