His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
