so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
