We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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