i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
