5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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