When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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