So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
