I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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