he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
