All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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