On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
