I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
