she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
