My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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