She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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