there's paper in my vomit.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
