Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
