Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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