Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
