Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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