I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
