I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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