Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
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I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
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Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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