If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
two words...techno handjob
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
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Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
We are all done wearing pants today
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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