he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
