if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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