I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
