I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
