I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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