He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
