Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
