Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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