shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
