If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
