she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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