so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
pop tarts are not kleenex
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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