Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
