So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
