I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
