ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
