M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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