youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
